Weekly Nugget: Got a Conflict At Work? Try the ✨Listening Algorithm ✨

Hi friend,

When there’s conflict at work or in life, most people fall into the same pattern: they talk to prove their points, debate, argue, and win.

And what happens?

The other person becomes even more entrenched. The chasm between you grows. You both leave with stronger armor and less trust.

But there is another way.

Last week, in conversation with a client, we pulled apart that pattern and sketched an algorithm for a different kind of power play and came up with the ✨listening algorithm. ✨

In short, you close a chasm by bringing listening to the table in the mood of a new beginner who is ready to listen, to learn what isn’t already obvious and what doesn’t already make sense.  

You might think it naive. But it really isn’t. It is a powerful arsenal in a conflict. 

The mood of a new beginner is being open to learning something that you haven't learned before. Being a new beginner is not being Pollyanna (i.e., being naive or too optimistic). 

It's actually a leader's mood, a real leader, not a leader who pretends confidence, but is actually ignorant and lost in the fog, like most of our Western leaders are at the moment. They pretend to be really, really strong, but are failing spectacularly in reality. They are not listening. 

The listening algorithm is the most cunning thing you can deploy in a conflict. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s for those who can walk into the fire with curiosity and care first. 

This is far more important than strategy. As a matter of fact, I would venture to say strategy doesn't really matter in changing situations, as the Prussian General Moltke said well, The best strategy fails when the first shot is fired in the battle. 

So what really matters in conflict, then, is: Who are you going to be? Are you going to be curious, open, and willing to listen and learn? Are you going to be resilient, or are you going to be afraid? Are you going to be caring and authentic, or are you going to be right, be a victim, and be dismissive? 

So here is the step-by-step algorithm, precisely as we used it to help an executive shift a charged conversation. 

  1. Start by offering gratitude
    “Thank you for taking the time to talk with me. I know you're busy. I appreciate it.”
    Offering respect is a first master move in a situation charged with conflict.

  2. Be vulnerable
    Walk in owning your nerves. “I’ll be honest, I’m a bit nervous talking with you, so I may need some space to think out loud.” or “I don’t yet know how exactly to bring this to you, so I need your help and some space.”
    This melts the ice and opens the space for conversation.

  3. Lead with curiosity
    Instead of making assertions about right and wrong, start with
    “I’m curious…” or “I wonder…”
    Ask for the story behind the position.  Don’t just attack the position outright. Curiosity disarms faster than facts. Don’t debate. Don’t counter. Just wonder.

  4. Get what they’re saying
    If you see the other side getting defensive, say the magic line: “I could see why you might say that.” Agreement is optional. Getting is mandatory. You don’t have to agree, and you don’t have to surrender. Just listen so hard, it transforms the room.

  5. Re-aim the conversation to what really matters
    Pose the core dilemma: “Which matters more right now, X or Y?” X being what they are insisting on. Y being a shared goal or a future. Let the question hover. Silence is part of the work.

  6. Loop through this recursively
    If defensiveness remains or returns, cycle back: re-start with curiosity, seek to get what they’re saying and the why behind it, and re-aim the conversation to what matters. Each pass loosens a thread of the knot.

  7. Exit cleanly
    If you feel the conversation getting stuck and you have talked for a bit, exit with: “I hear you. Let me mull this over. May I follow up in a week or two?” Leave with dignity and an open door. 

What happens next is that moods shift, shoulders drop, and people who seemed permanent adversaries start listening and trading ideas. All because listening, backed by care and curiosity, walked into the room first.

I’ve seen people go from enemies to allies in a single conversation. Not because they were convinced, but because they were heard. 

Try this algorithm with the toughest conversation on your calendar this week. And if you do, write to me. I’m curious what happens next.

With care,
Saqib